Looking back 2 years, ago I cannot believe all that has transpired and where I am again—basically back in the same place I was. While these adjectives may sound negative, I don’t mean them to be—it’s all a matter of perspective: jobless, homeless, single, completely unsure of what the (even near) future holds... Hahaha.

2 years ago I was in Peru and had gotten a job just before leaving, so was planning on moving to New Mexico when I returned. I was mildly enticed by the adventure, but generally unenthused since I didn’t know anything about New Mexico, didn’t have any friends there, and felt like I was selling my soul to work in a hospital. The good news was I ended up adoring New Mexico, met so many wonderful friends, and didn’t really want to leave! Now I’m again considering a (short term) nursing gig again to make some $$ before diving into midwifery.

Some things I have going for me that I didn’t have 2 years ago: no debt, more nursing experience, my belongings are already packed, hardly any attachment to anything at all right now, and a sense of restlessness fueled by a breakup. What I don’t have going for me is: the icky feelings of a fresh break up, travel fatigue, healing from surgery, and dwindling cash.

The sparkling options now seem to be:

• Moving to Iowa City right now and working underground as a midwife doing home births. Downsides: risking going to jail and losing my nursing license, as Iowa is a hostile state for traditional midwives. Upsides: doing the kind of work I want to do. Getting to have an instant community of badass midwives and friends. Living in a place I already love.
• Getting a travel nursing job somewhere: Upsides: getting to check out yet another new place. Getting to meet new people and hopefully be in a place where I can salsa dance all the time. $$$ Downsides: having to work in a hospital, potentially working overnights and probably working 12hr shifts. Being alone in a strange city (when did I get so wussy anyway?)

So that I’ll figure out…I’ve got plenty more couch time to ponder it all and search the internet for endless possibilities as the gaping holes in my throat continue to heal.

As for the story of our relationship, it’s fairly simple. For well over half the time we’ve been together we’ve had “intense discussions” (if you will) at least a few times a month. Granted we’ve been together nonstop—literally 24/7—ok not always in the bathroom, but often—for a long time, so maybe for the # of hours spent together vs. the time normal couples spend together divided by the number of times they fight, maybe it’s not too bad…. But it got to a point, like in Haiti, where I simply did not feel it was healthy. I felt like I was continuing to stay in a situation that was not healthy for me—drained me physically and mentally so that I wasn’t doing the things I loved as much, nor I feel like being myself—and that seemed to be disrespectful to myself.

All of a sudden too, people were telling me it wasn’t worth it anymore. How could I justify keeping myself in an unhealthy situation, continuously re-agreeing to put myself in harm’s way and choosing to be anything but sparklingly happy, when I’m perfectly wonderfully happy by myself? Most of the harm was mental of course, but I feel that the mental stress accumulated in our bodies to produce physical illness. The relationship had actually become toxic to both of us. We were often beyond tired, my immune system was pitiful, and he was all of a sudden suffering from asthma attacks.

Sooooo in the coming months, I’ll be able to do some self work and self exploration, as well as lots of salsa dancing and yoga. J Justin and I still have our canceled trips to Peru to use before April, so we may take our time to work through some things and then meet up there…..OR have solo trips to Peru and hope to be friends someday…