ewww

I used to abhor the use of cleaning chemicals and bleach (for reasons of personal health and environmental health)... I've always just used vinegar, grapefruit seed extract, or some kind of naturally prepared product. I don't even like to swim in pools... So when I got here I'd wear gloves to touch almost anything in the clinic including the bottle of bleach water that we clean things with, as I didn't want to even touch it..... Now I find myself with a different way of going about things, as I'm often in the situation of touching filthy things without gloves. Thus I find myself spraying my entire body with the bleach solution--legs, arms, hands, etc after inevitably coming into contact with bodily fluids, questionable looking skin (fungally/bacterially infected or scabies filled or otherwise...) stepping into puddles of things, etc. Since there's often no running water up at the clinic and hand sanitizer gets gross after a couple applications (not to mention it's limited in quantity), it seems to be the easiest thing. Recently I have just been trying to clean myself after coming in contact with things, as contact is inevitable (see catching babies in flip flops...), and having to believe "I do not believe in bacteria/viruses/fungus/nor the danger of cleaning chemicals ETC!" (repeat, repeat, repeat) (in addition to my prior mantra of "i do not believe in scabies")

Anyway, we wash our dishes in bleach water too and I feel like the chlorox is starting to seep out of my pores, so maybe it will protect me....eep! (yes, this is a delusion I realize) I just hope all this bleach doesn't damage my fertility or something.... I know that people who drink chlorinated water are at much greater risk of developing cancers (especially bladder cancer, presumably because it's sitting in there until you pee it out?). For now though, I am choosing the risks of chlorine exposure over persistent fungal infections (I keep getting them on my arms and neck!) and whatever other many kinds of parasitic, viral, and bacterial (etc) things are creeping around the clinic.... Ew. Only one more month...

respire

I was awoken this morning by the cook running into my room yelling: Acouchmant; Melinda! (birth! and the name of the other midwife!) I took that to mean that Melinda needed me, so I ran out of bed in my short pirate shorts and tank top...never expecting that it would by my costume for the rest of the day.

I arrived to the dome and no one was there....very odd... I heard noises from the outside cement shower stall (where there's not an actual shower installed yet, but women take buckets there to bathe with). Just as I got there, a baby splashed into the world, into apprentice: Ninotte's hands, with Melinda at her side. They had just gotten there themselves. Melinda said she was on the toilet when she heard word of the imminent birth and didn't have a chance to flush, haha. Thankfully the baby and mom did very well.

I went down for breakfast, thinking I'd shower and get ready for the day next. I was called up to the dome again shortly after, however. There was another girl who'd come in labor who I needed to keep a close eye on (with her water broken for a day and a half), and then a post-partum visit, and then I did the newborn exam on the new baby and eventually sent them home (they usually stay about 4 hours)...then the other baby was born, and we had a girl come in pre-term labor with a urinary infection...and I'm meanwhile semi-freaking out about how the guy who is "cleaning the well" is dumping what looks like sewage onto the freshly planted garden and the "neighbor" (a guy that is actually just squatting on our land) is burning a massive pile of trash with a huge cloud of disgusting smoke floating towards the dome.... By the time I got back it was about 7pm and I was exhausted...thankfully someone had brought me lunch at least. I was still without a shower, smelling of birth, bra-less and in pirate pajama shorts...

I felt really strung out, and though the shower and food helped, I was still feeling a little crazy... Then it started to pour rain. Ahhhhhhhhh. I went outside and pulled the laundry off the line, laughing, and stashed it in a safe spot. Then I kicked back on the deck and listened to it come down. The rain was exactly what I needed. I hadn't even imagined such a possibility. My mind was so clouded and strung out, and then burst! The skies brought rain down upon Jacmel and I felt total peace again. It was perfect. I sat with my eyes closed and let everything move through me... I was reminded that everything is perfect and when I let go of my grip I can see that the universe is working it's own magic and I needn't try to control a single thing...

Positivity --> more positivity!

I've been trying to be really positive recently after a period of some darkness and supreme self-pity/hating of Haiti. It has been made much easier by staying in the clinic/house compound and not being bothered by the hell-ish streets, and also has come out of meditating regularly. Making time for some yoga and exercises (looking for excuses to walk upstairs to the clinic, etc) has also been great. Anyway, I notice the more I foster positivity within myself, no matter what happens, I am happier and I am actually given more reasons to be happy because happy positive things just float my way!

Yesterday was a glorious day. A couchsurfer contacted me who I'd met at Carnival and never thought I'd see again, figuring he was just traveling around. He had so much fun apparently, that he decided to stay in Haiti for a couple months (he lives outside of Jacmel in a much nicer part...). He had bought a motor bike and picked me up to head out of Jacmel for the afternoon--YAY!! I felt instantly better upon leaving the chaotic dirty streets for country-side pastures, banana trees, and small towns with people hanging out causally in front of their buildings. The farther away we got, the better it was.

By far my favorite moment was bouncing through a rocky muddy road on some woman's farm on the moto bike and ending at a small beach. We passed all kinds of adorable fluffy baby goats along the way, which pushed me to the edge of giggly mania with each sight of one. Near the beach there were cows hanging out and some people lazily passing the hot afternoon, but other than that, just us and another Couchsurfer who had showed us the way to this amazing place. The three of us did some snorkeling, which was a beautiful surprise--bright blue fish, shocking coral reefs and oddly shaped sea creatures. I was like a kid, and so happy! They said I looked like a fish out there, swimming around for who knows how long. I didn't even realize I was tired or sun burnt until I got out...nor did I feel afraid of the ocean as I normally kind of do, being a midwestern girl and all :) Ahhh it was so great! Then we had dinner at a little nameless "restaurant" outside of someone's home for $3 (very cheap for Haiti; their prices are normally comparable to American, which of course is crazy considering the minimum wage for a non-factory worker is something like $4/DAY).

Ah yes, so I am happy again :) I've realized that the trick for me is #1 pretending to be happy even if I'm not because, the joy catches up shortly #2 visualizing and intending positive outcomes, and watching in amazement as they inevitably manifest #3 just getting out into nature and/or connecting with like-minded people if possible

#3 Reminded me of one of my amazing discoveries during my 9 days without leaving the house/clinic compound which completely inspired and astonished me....We have this incredible vine that grows loofah on it (the sponges you can use to clean your dishes). Not only is the end product lovely--you crack the sponges out of their little casings and there are seeds inside of them which make a sort of soap when wet to clean with!--but the entire plant. I examined how the vines grow up the rocks---reaching out blindly, curling around twigs, inserting themselves and sticking (really sticking) itself into rock crevices, and creeping up the rock wall. It's amazing! When I need inspiration now...I think of that crazy intelligent plant.

OK, these pictures were taken at night (yes, I became that excited about the plant upon writing this); hopefully you can see it's wonderment...check out how it reaches out and attaches itself to whatever it can find...

You know what I really appreciate about Haiti?

Well, when I was 16 I spent a month in Germany with my German class and was delighted to find that they find chocolate and bread to be a suitable breakfast...not until now have I found another culture that agrees with this principle... chocolate + bread (made from cassava) = amazing!! especially when the chocolate is dairy free and made with fresh grated coconut and the cassava bread has Haitian peanut butter (with spices!) spread on it.....mmmmmmmmmmm!

A bad story with a good ending...

The other day, Melinda saw a girl in the market whom she’d recognized from our street. Aside from being filthy, she had bruising over her eye and a large gash on her face. Melinda asked her who did that to her and prodded her about her living situation. It turned out that she was “given” to a family because her family couldn't afford to take care of her. That family basically turned her into their slave. She did not go to school, was not fed well, and was beaten twice a day for not getting her work done quickly enough. Her mom had tried to come visit her on several occasions and the family hid the child away and wouldn’t let her see her. Melinda told the girl that she cared about her and if she wanted to get out that she could help her. They parted ways and Melinda freaked out for a day and a half thinking about her, wondering why she didn’t just get her to come with her right then and there. Thankfully, Ninotte found her in the market the next day and urged her to come back to our house. We fed her and talked to her about her care and her life, assuring her that she deserved better. Then Gwen, a friend of Melinda’s who has taken in 8 Haitian children, came to pick her up. They went to the police station to make a report against the girl’s former “owners” and then the girl went to live at Gwen's, where she will have a loving family, will be able to see her mom whenever they want (or return home if possible), will be fed well, and will play instead of work. Yay!!

Unfortunately human trafficking is a reality here as well as in the US and around the world...I'm glad we could at least help free one person from it...

In other news, tomorrow is Election Day, and I can’t wait to see what happens! Ex President Aristide is back and most people are really happy to have his presence.

Happy St. Patrick's Day...I couldn't feel farther from it here

Funny T-shirts I’ve seen or Reasons to smile in Haiti:

“Kiss me I’m Irish” on a huge Dominican man...this was actually a month ago, before St Patrick's

A tight white muscle tank with silver writing saying “bootyliscious” on a big bellied Haitian dude

“Too much rock for one hand” depicting the devil horns hand, worn by one of the clinic workers

My personal favorite: “Glam. Titty and Hip”

“Not mom, I’m busy.” On a skinny Haitian dude

Other things that I find slightly absurd and amusing: The amazing prevalence (and acceptance or glorification in regards to some) of:

• nipples being seen through shirts (no bra, thin material)
• clearly visible underwear through a nice dress/skirt (like they dress up to look nice and then specifically wear over the top colors or lumpy undies)
• long LONG toenails (possibly fake, because they seem impossibly long)
• muffin tops
• visibly unfitting bras--you can see the woman's breast below, to the sides, and coming out of her bra, and other examples of way way too tight-fitting clothes
• and my personal favorite: nipples/breasts popping out of shirts, and I'm not talking about breastfeeding women, whom I completely support in whipping them out. It is a fact that because of ill-fitting clothing or interesting choices in attire, women's boobs are fairly often popping out of their clothes here: a common occurrance in our midwifery apprenticeship class, sometimes for the aforementioned reasons or sometimes just because the girl thinks it's funny (which of course, it is...).

3 dudes straddling each other on a moto = really not so tough

I am endlessly annoyed with the stupid, misogynistic men here. Always cat-calling and making kissing sounds, yelling BLAN!, leering, or otherwise being barbarians...

I've tried to think of what I can do when such things occur, specifically when guys make kissing sounds my way. I just don't understand what they possibly think could come of such behavior...that I would run over and kiss them? Do they actually think that I might actually enjoy when they do that?? That maybe I'll come talk to them because I think it's so witty/complimentary? It's totally absurd! I don't want to demean monkeys by saying this....but they're like monkeys! So what I initially came up with, was that when they make kissing noises at me, I will stick out my tongue and make farting noises at them. This seemed hilarious and unattractive and perfect, but I kept forgetting, and when I remembered: they were often already harassing someone else or were laughing with their friends about what ladies men they were or something.

So tonight, three dudes on a motorcycle (yes three dudes straddling each other) slowly rode up beside me all making kissing noises. Honestly disgusted by them, I spit on the ground between us. In retrospect...maybe a bad idea.... They stopped the motorcycle and one guy hopped off. I was a little scared for my life, I admit.... He yelled at me and spit on the ground by me. I couldn't say anything I'd like to say in their language, so I just muttered in English....yes: good job, you spit on the ground, that's what everyone does here, big deal, and clutched my purse to me, walking quickly down the single road (nowhere to dart). They drove a little way and then waited for me to pass again, and yelled out BITCH FUCK BITCH FUCK as I passed by... clearly knowing those were bad words but not exactly knowing how to use them....They also spit in my direction and drove away. I continued walking and they waited for me again a little ways ahead. I was really quite scared at this point, but there were a lot of people around, and so I hoped that meant they wouldn't do anything too stupid. I passed by and they just looked at me, then drove away quickly (straddling eachother). Thankfully I got back to my house safely, without seeing them again, but it was scary as there aren't so many people out in the streets around my house.

All I can say is that I F'ng hate Haitian men (I'm sorry!) and in fact: the general culture between men and women here. Women here are so powerless. It's disgusting. Women have to prostitute themselves here regularly just to feed their families and buy things they need, because the men are often off having relationships with other women--buying them things or having babies all around town they can't support. And they can't even charge much because it's so commonplace here! Despite the fact that things cost about the same in the grocery store here as in the US, you can pay a woman $1 for sex!! You can tell that women are used to being unempowered in their interactions with us as "authority figures" (even though we try not to be like that in the clinic) and with their FOBs (father of baby)...that is, if the men even come. We had one guy come briefly to see his baby, drunk, and then was turning to leave even though we encouraged him to stay since his lady needed to spend the night with her high blood pressures; he refused and then in front of her he asked for condoms to go party...

Ugh........ I look forward to Guatemala more and more every day....

As for good news, we had two healthy babies today and both dads came :)

a tribute to spiders

We had a fairly hilarious, fairly disheartening MTV Real World moment in the MHI house today. We were all hanging around since it was pouring rain and there was nowhere to go, nothing to do—motos don’t go in the rain, and anyway it was Saturday. Someone spied a spider and everyone freaked out (Glenda, Ninotte, Melinda, Marianne, Ena, Tata)....

I pointed out calmly that it isn’t poisonous and is in fact helpful in eating the pesky malaria/dengue-carrying insects and other actually scary or annoying pests.Alas, in their irrational panic, Ninotte was encouraged to kill it. She took off her shoe and lunged at it. I literally jumped on her and was actually wrestling with her. She overpowered me and whacked the beautiful tarantula (endangered in some parts) into oblivion. I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for five minutes or so—busying myself with brushing my teeth, hand-washing, etc…. I heard Ninotte call out that she was sorry and that she couldn’t help it. I came out to grab the keys to go up to the clinic—still upset and not really wanting to face them. We had a last tense talk on the way out—each side justifying their opinion—that they supposedly get bitten while they sleep sometimes—being their only reason—mine being that I’ve never been bitten by spiders here, yet have had a million other insect bites and would appreciate the work of the spider in killing those bugs. Not to mention its other values on the planet. I went to the dome and worked on other things for several hours, including an appropriate insect relocator for the house. J haha, ohhhhhh the drama

Mind you—I have no problem with killing the mice and rats who are actually breeding and bringing disease into our kitchen/garden, destroying things in the house including clinic supplies, etc. But the cliché, irrational fear of spiders (the vast majority of which are not poisonous to humans) is intolerable to me. Please—I lived in New Mexico where there are saucer-sized tarantulas that people swerve to miss in the road and black widows that dominate homes/garages. Yeah, sometimes people get bitten by spiders, and that’s certainly good to avoid--especially by poisonous ones, but contrary to popular belief, even being bitten by a brown recluse or black widow doesn't automatically mean death or decay! Thus: I cannot condone the killing of such beautiful, artful, and helpful creatures....especially in this case as it was not of the lethal/limb-destroying variety.

Upstairs at the clinic, my mood was vastly improved by 3 adorable little girls—Anis, Marojolie, and Naiko—who came over from the tent camp adjacent (or rather the squatting grounds upon the clinic’s grounds) to talk to me. I love how unafraid they are to talk to me, even though I suck at their language and they know it. They played with my hair and kissed my head and giggled a lot, which was awesome. As they rolled all over me, I repeated in my head: I do not believe in scabies, I do not believe in scabies, I do not believe in scabies)…

(Yes I see some irony in my distaste for the work of scabies mites vs. spiders, but I’ve been bitten by both, and I’d take a necrotic spider bite (rare anyway) over a tenacious bunch of scabies mites which can result in a several weeks/months long battle any day!)

Carnival pictures

Night: Large semis, loaded with too many speakers and with a band atop...

keyboard, guitar, dancers, etc...

preceeded by a dancing crowd

and followed by a dancing crowd

Afternoon Mardi Gras:

hey, what's that monkey doing??

Costumes and Masks and SUN

Carnival and itching

Well Carnival has come and gone. Lots of really loud music, people in the streets, and in the morning: really beautiful painted masks and costumes. I got to see the supposed future president of Haiti--Michel Martelly --speak, which was very interesting. Someone like him would never have a chance as a political figure in the US (or would he?), but as someone here said to me, "Haiti is a crazy country, and it needs a crazy leader." He is an ex-compas playing, women's clothes wearing, crack-smoking, high-school degree holder. Generally the people love him and he's backed by Wyclef Jean....

He wants to do 3 things: #1 Recreate the Haitian military, which was disbanded by Aristide because they were basically a gang of hooligans causing more harm than good (eg murdering civilians). #2 Create a free public school system for everyone. #3 Kick out the UN. Elections are the end of the month and I just hope the place doesn't explode. Riots are inevitable if he doesn't win, and with the whole reinstating of the army and kicking the UN out, I'm not sure how that will look either...

I can't say that I'm against them kicking out the UN, as it seems that all the UN workers are doing here is getting rich. They live in extraordinary homes, drive fancy cars, go to nice bars, and shop at boutique grocery stores. Generally people respect them on the superficial level but in reality despise them. The "joke" here is how much does it cost for 1 UN worker to give out milk to people for x period of time? "the cost of 5 cows"... that is, with that salary money, they could actually be giving the Haitian people something to be self-sufficient on, but they don't want that. They want to stay and keep them in a place of dependency, all the while incurring debt, so that the industrialized world's corporations can come in and make some money--either off the people's cheap labor or by selling their products. It's disgusting and absurd and a reality here and in developing countries all over the world.

I wouldn't have maybe believed it if I hadn't seen it for my very eyes. One of the things I see very clearly and unfortunately is the advertisement of baby formula here, which is literally killing babies and costing families a lot of money they cannot afford. Because they are uneducated and have been told by big-time "health" (aka advertising) campaigns that their baby deserves formula, they forgo breastfeeding, and supplement with an inferior product, and as a result their babies die of malnutrition or become developmentally delayed, and the families continue to suffer....even though the women make perfect nutrition for the babies for FREE with their own bodies. It makes me really distraught every time I see it, which is way too often...

On another note, since the ringworm for my birthday, there was then scabies...I've gone through intense times of hating Haiti, and now I'm back to being ok with it.... I mean relatively. I found a mouse in the rice the other day and that didn't please me either, but you know...the sun is shining and the ocean is beautiful and there's coconut in all the food....

Ok, not to end on a bad note...but I also just found out that all the chicken they eat here (a lot!) is shipped from Florida. As if people couldn't be doing chicken farms here! They are buying animals who have been tortured, pumped up with antibiotics and hormones, and then taxed and shipped across the ocean. Totally absurd. Ahhhhhh!