ewww

I used to abhor the use of cleaning chemicals and bleach (for reasons of personal health and environmental health)... I've always just used vinegar, grapefruit seed extract, or some kind of naturally prepared product. I don't even like to swim in pools... So when I got here I'd wear gloves to touch almost anything in the clinic including the bottle of bleach water that we clean things with, as I didn't want to even touch it..... Now I find myself with a different way of going about things, as I'm often in the situation of touching filthy things without gloves. Thus I find myself spraying my entire body with the bleach solution--legs, arms, hands, etc after inevitably coming into contact with bodily fluids, questionable looking skin (fungally/bacterially infected or scabies filled or otherwise...) stepping into puddles of things, etc. Since there's often no running water up at the clinic and hand sanitizer gets gross after a couple applications (not to mention it's limited in quantity), it seems to be the easiest thing. Recently I have just been trying to clean myself after coming in contact with things, as contact is inevitable (see catching babies in flip flops...), and having to believe "I do not believe in bacteria/viruses/fungus/nor the danger of cleaning chemicals ETC!" (repeat, repeat, repeat) (in addition to my prior mantra of "i do not believe in scabies")

Anyway, we wash our dishes in bleach water too and I feel like the chlorox is starting to seep out of my pores, so maybe it will protect me....eep! (yes, this is a delusion I realize) I just hope all this bleach doesn't damage my fertility or something.... I know that people who drink chlorinated water are at much greater risk of developing cancers (especially bladder cancer, presumably because it's sitting in there until you pee it out?). For now though, I am choosing the risks of chlorine exposure over persistent fungal infections (I keep getting them on my arms and neck!) and whatever other many kinds of parasitic, viral, and bacterial (etc) things are creeping around the clinic.... Ew. Only one more month...

respire

I was awoken this morning by the cook running into my room yelling: Acouchmant; Melinda! (birth! and the name of the other midwife!) I took that to mean that Melinda needed me, so I ran out of bed in my short pirate shorts and tank top...never expecting that it would by my costume for the rest of the day.

I arrived to the dome and no one was there....very odd... I heard noises from the outside cement shower stall (where there's not an actual shower installed yet, but women take buckets there to bathe with). Just as I got there, a baby splashed into the world, into apprentice: Ninotte's hands, with Melinda at her side. They had just gotten there themselves. Melinda said she was on the toilet when she heard word of the imminent birth and didn't have a chance to flush, haha. Thankfully the baby and mom did very well.

I went down for breakfast, thinking I'd shower and get ready for the day next. I was called up to the dome again shortly after, however. There was another girl who'd come in labor who I needed to keep a close eye on (with her water broken for a day and a half), and then a post-partum visit, and then I did the newborn exam on the new baby and eventually sent them home (they usually stay about 4 hours)...then the other baby was born, and we had a girl come in pre-term labor with a urinary infection...and I'm meanwhile semi-freaking out about how the guy who is "cleaning the well" is dumping what looks like sewage onto the freshly planted garden and the "neighbor" (a guy that is actually just squatting on our land) is burning a massive pile of trash with a huge cloud of disgusting smoke floating towards the dome.... By the time I got back it was about 7pm and I was exhausted...thankfully someone had brought me lunch at least. I was still without a shower, smelling of birth, bra-less and in pirate pajama shorts...

I felt really strung out, and though the shower and food helped, I was still feeling a little crazy... Then it started to pour rain. Ahhhhhhhhh. I went outside and pulled the laundry off the line, laughing, and stashed it in a safe spot. Then I kicked back on the deck and listened to it come down. The rain was exactly what I needed. I hadn't even imagined such a possibility. My mind was so clouded and strung out, and then burst! The skies brought rain down upon Jacmel and I felt total peace again. It was perfect. I sat with my eyes closed and let everything move through me... I was reminded that everything is perfect and when I let go of my grip I can see that the universe is working it's own magic and I needn't try to control a single thing...

Positivity --> more positivity!

I've been trying to be really positive recently after a period of some darkness and supreme self-pity/hating of Haiti. It has been made much easier by staying in the clinic/house compound and not being bothered by the hell-ish streets, and also has come out of meditating regularly. Making time for some yoga and exercises (looking for excuses to walk upstairs to the clinic, etc) has also been great. Anyway, I notice the more I foster positivity within myself, no matter what happens, I am happier and I am actually given more reasons to be happy because happy positive things just float my way!

Yesterday was a glorious day. A couchsurfer contacted me who I'd met at Carnival and never thought I'd see again, figuring he was just traveling around. He had so much fun apparently, that he decided to stay in Haiti for a couple months (he lives outside of Jacmel in a much nicer part...). He had bought a motor bike and picked me up to head out of Jacmel for the afternoon--YAY!! I felt instantly better upon leaving the chaotic dirty streets for country-side pastures, banana trees, and small towns with people hanging out causally in front of their buildings. The farther away we got, the better it was.

By far my favorite moment was bouncing through a rocky muddy road on some woman's farm on the moto bike and ending at a small beach. We passed all kinds of adorable fluffy baby goats along the way, which pushed me to the edge of giggly mania with each sight of one. Near the beach there were cows hanging out and some people lazily passing the hot afternoon, but other than that, just us and another Couchsurfer who had showed us the way to this amazing place. The three of us did some snorkeling, which was a beautiful surprise--bright blue fish, shocking coral reefs and oddly shaped sea creatures. I was like a kid, and so happy! They said I looked like a fish out there, swimming around for who knows how long. I didn't even realize I was tired or sun burnt until I got out...nor did I feel afraid of the ocean as I normally kind of do, being a midwestern girl and all :) Ahhh it was so great! Then we had dinner at a little nameless "restaurant" outside of someone's home for $3 (very cheap for Haiti; their prices are normally comparable to American, which of course is crazy considering the minimum wage for a non-factory worker is something like $4/DAY).

Ah yes, so I am happy again :) I've realized that the trick for me is #1 pretending to be happy even if I'm not because, the joy catches up shortly #2 visualizing and intending positive outcomes, and watching in amazement as they inevitably manifest #3 just getting out into nature and/or connecting with like-minded people if possible

#3 Reminded me of one of my amazing discoveries during my 9 days without leaving the house/clinic compound which completely inspired and astonished me....We have this incredible vine that grows loofah on it (the sponges you can use to clean your dishes). Not only is the end product lovely--you crack the sponges out of their little casings and there are seeds inside of them which make a sort of soap when wet to clean with!--but the entire plant. I examined how the vines grow up the rocks---reaching out blindly, curling around twigs, inserting themselves and sticking (really sticking) itself into rock crevices, and creeping up the rock wall. It's amazing! When I need inspiration now...I think of that crazy intelligent plant.

OK, these pictures were taken at night (yes, I became that excited about the plant upon writing this); hopefully you can see it's wonderment...check out how it reaches out and attaches itself to whatever it can find...

You know what I really appreciate about Haiti?

Well, when I was 16 I spent a month in Germany with my German class and was delighted to find that they find chocolate and bread to be a suitable breakfast...not until now have I found another culture that agrees with this principle... chocolate + bread (made from cassava) = amazing!! especially when the chocolate is dairy free and made with fresh grated coconut and the cassava bread has Haitian peanut butter (with spices!) spread on it.....mmmmmmmmmmm!