13wks

Well. I've had a hard time cajoling myself to update: yet again daunted by the sheer density of the past several weeks. That and I've had to feel things out and see how they're going to go before writing about them publicly.

I hated Kansas City. I was driving all over the place, which in a way was interesting, because I learned the streets of a city that I have spent so much time in, but never been the driver or the one in charge. So now when I go back to visit family, I'll know where to get some awesome dolmas, go for a great walk, people watch, and take a free yoga class---and take the back roads/scenic routes. Much more significantly though, I hated my job. I found it demoralizing. The practices of the docs/nurses and the hospital were out of the dark ages and they were disrespectful and actually quite unethical in their treatment of low-resource patients. I won't go into that because I had enough trouble getting it out of my head at night for weeks following. So since then, I've been hugely battling with the hospital and the staffing agency to get some sort of pay, even though I was only there for a week of training and one day on the floor.

After a particularly horrifying day on the floor (yes, the only day), I decided Ohhhh NO, this won't do. I won't be here long enough to actually influence their culture of practice, and this is just too demoralizing. So I quit. And here's where it get's more interesting.... Justin and I had been talking more at this point: sometimes in nice voices, sometimes in stern ones, but it was productive and we knew we wanted to make it work. Why? Because it turns out that about 24hrs before breaking up, it would appear that we conceived...that is, by this time in Kansas City I was about 8 weeks pregnant (another reason I could not stomach the ill treatment of pregnant women and babies)!

So I decided I may as well come down to Austin, TX and see how things go with Justin and me. I was not naive enough to think that just because we were having a baby that we had to be in a romantic relationship again, but I figured since we both really love each other and have had some time to work on things for ourselves, we may as well give it a fresh start, and if it works out great! If it doesn't we'll still be good co-parents. I stopped along the way at the Vipassana meditation center outside of Dallas for a few days, which was perfect. Then, less than a week after leaving the job, I was living in Austin, TX with Justin.

I feel like it's all been meant to be. First of all I feel like there were plenty of other opportunities that we could have conceived earlier in our relationship, but it seems that what was meant to happen is that it occurred at a time when we could take some personal space and work out some issues (as opposed to traveling in Mexico together for example). I also think that I somehow knew that I was going to become pregnant and had to pull the breaks on our relationship to allow some space for us to do some internal work, so that we could come back together and be great partners and parents. Secondly, I think that I was meant to go to Kansas City to work at that terrible place so that I could impact the culture there in some way--I of course made sure that the DON (director of nursing) and the hospital's director were informed of the out-of-date practices and unethical treatment of patients on the L/D floor. Living in Kansas city also gave me the unique opportunity to spend some quality time with my family who lives there. And I probably just needed be be distracted for a little longer before the situation was ready for Justin and I to proceed.

So I have been down here, for almost 6 weeks I think. Wow. Justin and I are doing great! I am so happy that I was able to come down here. We are taking a prenatal parenting class, which discusses the psychology of the fetus/neonate/baby and of the couple, highlighting the different regions of the brain (reptile, mammal, human/neocortex) and their importance in communication (etc!). We're also doing counseling. And we're reading books together on conscious pregnancy and parenting. There are some expected bumps, but I really feel that because we are eager to sit down to difficult and honest conversation, we have a super solid and fulfilling relationship. I feel so blessed by everything.

So for now Justin works at a Montessori preschool/kindergarten and I substitute there as well as at a different school. This has been awesome exposure to little ones (2 months of age to 6yrs) and exposure to different ways of consciously raising kiddos and facilitating their independence and self-esteem (etc). I also have a work-trade at a yoga studio. Our plan is to drive up to Kansas City for Christmas and my grandparents' 70th wedding anniversary (!) and then on to Iowa City, Iowa, where we are intending (manifesting) to buy a house and live happily ever after and never travel again :) I will be joining a homebirth midwifery practice as a Certified Professional Midwife (I just took my test in Niagara Falls Canada last week) and Justin will start building bee hives and preparing a honey business for the spring. He's also looking at opportunities to work with local farmers as well as maybe assist at alternative schools in Iowa City (Montessori or otherwise). We will miss the frequent trips down to San Antonio to visit Justin's parents and grandma, but they are already planning their road trip up to the exotic midwest.

So, phew! There it is! Here I am! Again, I am exhausted looking back and seeing what I've been up to in just under a couple months. I cannot wait to significantly slow down my life. Hibernating and gestating in freezing Iowa will be a good place to do so :) and we can't wait to get out of the traffic of Austin.

I just found this new video of Kimya Dawson, who is singer-song-writer/activist who I rather adore. She just put out an album inspired by being a mother. If it doesn't make you smile, ummm you should probably just watch it again :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VELferPHZIo

Love!
Rachel + baby "Cricket" (due to enter this world the end of May)

our glowing fetal Halloween pumpkin :)