Kansas City

Just a quick update to say that I am in Kansas City now: finally (temporarily) employed! :) I've taken an 12wk contract nursing job, which is at a big medical center. I'll be working rotating nights and days (ugh) on labor and delivery. The good news is, that I get to live with my Aunt Mary and be close to a bunch of my cousins and Aunt Jan/fam and my grandparents. I'll be here until Christmas. And then in January I'll be moving to Iowa City. Yay! I'm looking forward to checking out the salsa dancing scene here...

#$%$%&*(@$

I was just about to write an entry about how having a tonsillectomy and breaking up with your loved one a day apart is not as good of an idea as it may seem (or was I just being optimistic)... sure you can validate try to put to sleep your shitty feelings with narcotics and eat all the coconut milk ice cream you want, but in the end I hypothesize you end up feeling more depressed.... last night (or was it the night before technically? since I'm writing at 3am) I took my last liquid vicodin, saying no no no more after this. It's making me too sad. Then today I went to the acupuncturist for pain relief (amazing) and started sobbing. He said that eating too much sugar (endless popsicles and ice cream) was making me hyper-emotional. Of course! I should have thought of that myself... no wonder I'm crying at every silly emotional thing that happens in the endless string of movies I'm watching. What a mess I am. He was very encouraging about it only being temporary though. Also I have been going crazy at my parents' house and planned to go to Iowa City tomorrow (today)...

OH WAIT, that was the entry I was thinking about writing earlier...and then I went to sleep and hemorrhaged! (the queasy-inclined need not read further... nor those offended by profanity)

Or as I said to my cousin Ike, I god damn mother f'n hemorrhaged from my tonsillectomy site. It was utterly horrifying and really really scary. I woke up around midnight. I'd been dreaming that I was drowning and I was swallowing really quickly. I remembered, possibly still in my dream, way back from my NCLEX nursing exam that THIS IS A SIGN OF HEMORRHAGE POST-TONSILLECTOMY!! I jumped out of bed and was a little unsure of what to do for a second and just kept swallowing, really quickly as the blood continued to pour into my throat. Then I spit into my hand and saw it was indeed blood, lots. Up until then, I was also optimistic that it was possible I had suddenly started producing A LOT of saliva.

I opened my mom's door to her room and said in a moderately panicked voice: "Mom, I'm hemorrhaging." She screamed for my dad who was still downstairs working on the computer. He ran upstairs and they started to debate about what they should do, as I stood over the sink and let blood pour out of my mouth. It was like The Exorcist. (Did that happen in the Exorcist? either way it was such an outrageous position to be in). They stood and discussed what they should do as I kept repeating "I have to go to the hospital." My dad ran downstairs and brought me a cup of ice. Not a bad thought, but I was pretty sure we needed to get to the hospital ASAP as I looked in my throat and could very literally see the blood spurting like a tiny hose from a vessel around where my right tonsil used to be. I could actually see it come in little waterfalls (stop, go, stop, go) like I'd always imagined a cut blood vessel appear. My parents continued to talk and I basically said: "ok, we're going to the hospital NOW!" I ran down the stairs and got into the car. My mom had to take a moment to sit down and breathe understandably, and consequently got left behind as I told my dad to leave her, go!

He sped down residential streets going 60 as I held a kitchen glass in front of my face to spit blood into, with my head between my knees. I thought I was going to die. I was blacking out in addition to cold and loosing sensation in my extremities. Before I could black out completely, I told my dad I loved him and I coached him to get to the ER and run in and say: "my daughter is outside in the car hemmorhaging and needs assistance now!" I just kept thinking as we drove across town that I was going to black out completely and I'd have to get intubated, get a blood transfusion, and get my surgical site re-cauterized....ahh!! And all at the dreaded county hospital!! Shit!

My dad did great and they directed him to drive in where the ambulances go. I was swarmed by nurses, and don't you know it: the bleeding stopped! It clotted! They helped me into a wheelchair and then a room, and got me into a gown. Just to prove I didn't make it up though, I had to start pooping like crazy from ingesting so much blood and going into a bit of shock. And in the end, it was pretty much fine! I couldn't believe it! I'm so grateful that in addition to all the ice cream, I made myself eat pureed spinach and broccoli, as well as take chlorella, and dal gonnit, that vitamin K from all the greens sure helped me clot my blood!

They basically just kept me for a couple hours to make sure the clot held up and bolused me (ie gave me IV fluids) since my blood pressure was in the 80s/40s. I thought for sure they'd take me to in re-cauterize the site, but the county hospital doesn't have an ENT on call so they said talk to my ENT later today and see what he thinks. Let me tell you: it's pretty gross to have a giant clot of blood just chillaxin' in the back of your throat, still touching enough tastebuds so that you're constantly tasting blood.

One may imagine that the reason I'm still awake is that I'm too scared to go to sleep, and they would be right! That, and I have to make frequent runs for the toilet. And anyway, I'm too pumped up with adrenaline after the terrifying experience. They said that this is exactly the time when people hemorrhage (around 8-9 days post-op) because the scab gets all crusty and hard like one on your knee would, and it gets pokey (to use a technical term) and can poke through a place and puncture a vessel. Pretty freaking crazy.

Well, I still need to clean the blood off the walls in the bathroom. I hope my parents' foreign exchange student hasn't seen it and is scared of what sort of people we may be, bwahaha. Classic.

May you all never experience blood shooting out of your own mouth or the mouth of a loved one :)

Good night/Good morning

Looking back 2 years, ago I cannot believe all that has transpired and where I am again—basically back in the same place I was. While these adjectives may sound negative, I don’t mean them to be—it’s all a matter of perspective: jobless, homeless, single, completely unsure of what the (even near) future holds... Hahaha.

2 years ago I was in Peru and had gotten a job just before leaving, so was planning on moving to New Mexico when I returned. I was mildly enticed by the adventure, but generally unenthused since I didn’t know anything about New Mexico, didn’t have any friends there, and felt like I was selling my soul to work in a hospital. The good news was I ended up adoring New Mexico, met so many wonderful friends, and didn’t really want to leave! Now I’m again considering a (short term) nursing gig again to make some $$ before diving into midwifery.

Some things I have going for me that I didn’t have 2 years ago: no debt, more nursing experience, my belongings are already packed, hardly any attachment to anything at all right now, and a sense of restlessness fueled by a breakup. What I don’t have going for me is: the icky feelings of a fresh break up, travel fatigue, healing from surgery, and dwindling cash.

The sparkling options now seem to be:

• Moving to Iowa City right now and working underground as a midwife doing home births. Downsides: risking going to jail and losing my nursing license, as Iowa is a hostile state for traditional midwives. Upsides: doing the kind of work I want to do. Getting to have an instant community of badass midwives and friends. Living in a place I already love.
• Getting a travel nursing job somewhere: Upsides: getting to check out yet another new place. Getting to meet new people and hopefully be in a place where I can salsa dance all the time. $$$ Downsides: having to work in a hospital, potentially working overnights and probably working 12hr shifts. Being alone in a strange city (when did I get so wussy anyway?)

So that I’ll figure out…I’ve got plenty more couch time to ponder it all and search the internet for endless possibilities as the gaping holes in my throat continue to heal.

As for the story of our relationship, it’s fairly simple. For well over half the time we’ve been together we’ve had “intense discussions” (if you will) at least a few times a month. Granted we’ve been together nonstop—literally 24/7—ok not always in the bathroom, but often—for a long time, so maybe for the # of hours spent together vs. the time normal couples spend together divided by the number of times they fight, maybe it’s not too bad…. But it got to a point, like in Haiti, where I simply did not feel it was healthy. I felt like I was continuing to stay in a situation that was not healthy for me—drained me physically and mentally so that I wasn’t doing the things I loved as much, nor I feel like being myself—and that seemed to be disrespectful to myself.

All of a sudden too, people were telling me it wasn’t worth it anymore. How could I justify keeping myself in an unhealthy situation, continuously re-agreeing to put myself in harm’s way and choosing to be anything but sparklingly happy, when I’m perfectly wonderfully happy by myself? Most of the harm was mental of course, but I feel that the mental stress accumulated in our bodies to produce physical illness. The relationship had actually become toxic to both of us. We were often beyond tired, my immune system was pitiful, and he was all of a sudden suffering from asthma attacks.

Sooooo in the coming months, I’ll be able to do some self work and self exploration, as well as lots of salsa dancing and yoga. J Justin and I still have our canceled trips to Peru to use before April, so we may take our time to work through some things and then meet up there…..OR have solo trips to Peru and hope to be friends someday…